I'm such a jackass...

Why is that, you ask? Because whenever I go out to eat I like to order tea. But to be honest, I'm not much of tea person. It's my understanding that tea is made from rotten plant leaves and it has a lewd color, like a person with leprosy urinated in it:

Getting back to the jackass thing, the only reason I order tea is so I can tell an old, idiotic joke to the waiter/waitress when they offer me a refill. Here's how the conversation usually plays out:

Waiter/Waitress: "Would you like some more tea?"
Me: "No thanks, I'm part Native American."
Waiter/waitress: "Really?"
Me: "Yes and I've drank so much tea I'm going to drown in my tea pee tonight!"

This is the kind of behavior that's going to get me stabbed one day...

Advertising slogans can be fun!

I love clever slogans almost as much as I love kitties. Here are some of my favorites:


"We are in business for your small business"
Sam's / Wal-Mart
Sam's might be in business for small business, but it's sister company Wal-Mart certainly isn't. Wal-Mart thrives on taking out small businesses and making itself the one stop shop in town. They do this by coming into town and dropping prices so low that local businesses can't compete with them. And if that doesn't work they burn crosses in the yards of business owners. And if your business doesn't leave town after that they kidnap your children, drown them in a bathtub, take pictures of it and put them on the internet and frame a Mexican for the crime.



"Accelerate your life!"
The Navy
Yes, accelerate your life so it ends sooner. Being in the Navy could involve getting exploded by crazed Arabs or drowning. But I guess drowning doesn't have to be that horrible. In fact, the last thing you see in your life could be a beautiful fish, such as this one:




"Just do it" ~ Nike
"Do what tastes right" ~ Wendy's



This is the line of thinking that got several truckloads of Catholic Priests into trouble. You can't "just do it" because it "tastes right," there's a little thing called "consent" that comes into play. And no, cats can't consent. You can do things with plants, so if you wanna get your jollies by licking chocolate off a cactus while jumping up and down in poison ivy then go right ahead!

"Unleash the power of the sun"
Sunny Delight
Sunny Delight is a pseudo juice drink high in sugar and marketed towards kids. Advertisements for the drink feature jackasses running around yelling unleash the power of the sun," goading children into getting sunburns, which can lead to second degree burns or even skin cancer! So next time somebody shoves a Sunny D in your face tell them to a google image search for "second degree burns on albino babies." That'll show them!



"Nobody does chicken like KFC"
How does KFC do chicken?
"Workers also ripped the animals beaks off, twisted their heads off, spat tobacco into their eyes and mouths, spray-painted their faces, and squeezed their bodies so hard that the birds expelled feces all while the chickens were still alive."

And I bet the workers didn't even call them back the next morning.

Cat Profile: Mr. Miyagi

Last time around the Litterbox profiled Lex, a streetwalker I picked up last year. Today we take a peek at one of Lex's pals, Mr. Miyagi:



No, not that Mr Miyagi! This one:



Mr. Miyagi is a fat orange cat of chinese origin with insanely fluffy fur. Seriously, check those ears out!



He also likes to give tongue.



Despite being a total butterhog Miyagi has been known to somehow climb his big butt up on top of the bird feeder. Once there he usually looks around for birds and then ends going to sleep.

Victim of Terrorism

LONDON(AP)-Terror struck in the heart of London on Thursday as explosions ripped through three subway trains and blasted the roof off a crowded red double-decker bus. At least 37 people were killed and more than 700 wounded in the deadliest attack on the city since the blitz in World War II.

The quote above is just one example of the many news reports about the London terrorist attack today, which to be honest is already starting to get a bit old. Nobody really cares about these things anymore unless they live in the city that got attacked, people just tune in to catch live shots of bodies still twitching in the wreckage and to hear their leaders assure them that yes, the towels will be blown off the Al-Qaeda heads responsible for this atrocity.

And while all this was going down in London I was being terrorized in my own office! This is what I found on my office door today:



That's right, it's my fat baby picture! But the horror wasn't over, once I opened the door I saw another one, this time in brilliant color:



I can't believe things like this can still happen in the United States, Homeland Security really dropped the ball on this one! I launched my own investigation into the matter and discovered the perpetrator of this savage attack is from Poland, so in retaliation I'm posting these Polish jokes:

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.

Q: How can you tell if you house has been robbed by a Polish burglar?
A: The garbage has been eaten and the dog is pregnant.


Take that, you filthy Polish!

The Nonconsensual Barter

Every Saturday I like to go on a bike ride. I load up my mp3 player with comics such as George Carlin and Phil Hendrie and then go zipping throughout the city and local parks where people give me weird looks because I tend to laugh out loud a lot and I have very white legs.
This morning I exited my apartment all ready to go and this is what I saw:



That empty space is where my bike was last night. Some dirtbag jacked my bike! They left my neighbor's, which I can understand because it's a rusty pile of garbage that hasn't been moved in over a year. I mean for the love of the Holy Mother Mary she's got an old filthy doormat on her bike! Then I found this:



Looks like an old doormat might have been a better deterrent than my bike lock since the theif cut through it without breaking a sweat. But the fun wasn't over for me yet because then I found this left close to the bike area:



That's right, the jackball that took my bike left this old one in exchange. So now I can't really say my bike got jacked, but that I was the victim of a nonconsensual barter! I'm really coming out of this deal rough because I can't ride this bike: it's used, I don't know where it's been or who it's been with and the seat might have a venereal disease! Seriously, I could take that thing for a spin around the block and end up like Terri Schiavo before the sun went down!