Sunday, April 24, 2005

The Kosher Cake

Friday was my birthday, and a mere normal cake wasn't enough to celebrate this holiday. So my Mom whipped up this groovy kosher cake! Its kosher because it doesn't have pork in it.

Lex also wanted to get his cake on, so I let him lick the frosting off the candles.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The Batman/Catholic Crossover Extravaganza!

These days it seems you can't go outside without stubbing your toe on a Catholic. The Vatican estimates that there are about 1.07 billion Catholics worldwide, and that number is sure to grow as the church is hot off the death of Pope John Paul II and in the coming weeks a new Pope will be selected. Clearly now is great time to be Catholic!

On June 17th Warner Brother's Pictures will release "Batman Begins." This latest film in the Batman franchise stars some guy nobody has heard of (Christian Bale) as Batman and the Greatest Actor in the History of the World, Morgan Freeman, as Lucius Fox. While a mere glimpse of Freeman on screen can make a movie worth watching, people might be turned off of the movie due to memories of the last Batman flick, the abortion titled "Batman and Robin."

What I propose to create a surge of popularity for "Batman Begins" is simple: advertise directly to Catholics. This worked really well last year with "The Passion of the Christ," which was basically a 2 hour S&M film where a man got the living crap beat out of him with whips, thorns and nails. Catholics clearly get off on that sort of thing, and "Batman Begins" will really put a smile on their face when, among other things, they see Bruce Wayne's parents brutally murdered. Once one takes a closer look at Batman you can see the character is practically made for Catholics...

The Logo - Both are simple and instantly recognizable.

The Costume - The Pope wore a variety of colorful costumes which he tops off by putting a rolled up piece of cardboard on his head. He also sometimes carries a stick. Batman may have gone through many costume changes over the years, but his cardboard bat ears have been a constant.

Teen Sidekicks - The Pope had what Catholics call "The Legion of Altar Boys," who have dedicated their lives to serving him and his priests. They also carry the Pope's stick for him sometimes. Batman's sidekick is Robin, the Boy Wonder. Robin used to dress like a half-retard hooker on crystal meth when he was first introduced, but received a makeover in the 90's and is now a respectable superhero.

Vehicles - The Pope had the Pope-Mobile, which was bullet proof. But it always looked sort of goofy so the Pope never wanted to ride in it, until he got shot and changed his mind. Batman has the Batmobile, which has a neat paint job and all sorts of gadgets that would make James Bond curl up in a corner like a kitten and cry.

Crossovers - Crossovers are always fun because famous characters that normally never interact get together for a big adventure. The Pope had one last big one a few years back with Fidel Castro over in Cuba, where they got together and smoked Cuban cigars and while mulling over how great it is to have people look up to you. Batman is famous for having no shame and has always been willing to whore himself out and guest star in lower selling books.

So, what happens next? We need to get church groups together to attend screenings of Batman Begins, advertise for the Catholic Church in Batman comics and have churches fire up a Bat-Signal on the night sky during Saturday Mass. That'll put the butts in the bat-seats come June 17th.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Bumper Stickers

The 2004 presidential election is over! It was through last November, yet we still have these schmucks driving around with John Kerry bumper stickers on their cars, boldly proclaiming their support for Kerry. There are several reasons why people still have the stickers on their car, ranging from being to lazy to remove them being so in love with Kerry they think he'll return for 2008.

I can sort of understand being too lazy to take the thing off your car, but any sane person can't honestly believe Kerry has a chance of running in 2008. This is the same sort of thinking that makes people want to put Confederate Flag stickers on their cars, this notion that "the south will rise again!" I'm actually sort of afraid; people have had this bizarre love affair with the those idiot, loser confederates for over a hundred years, so I think we need to nip this Kerry sticker situation before it gets out of hand.

The Germans have the right idea; you can't go driving around with Nazi swastikas on your car because it's against the law to display that kind of material. I don't think passing that sort of law would fly here, so we need to get out and get active and fight this problem on the streets! Convince these people that Kerry lost the election, why waste should they waste their time continuing to supporting him? To help I've created this handy picture to print out and leave on car windshields to help spread the message: